


Theo Needs a Job

by TVTime



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Absurd, Bad Fic, Careers/Celebrity AU, Casually Evil, Casually Supernatural, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Job Interviews, Job Listings, M/M, Theo's POV, ThiamHalfBirthday, want ads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 03:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14968418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TVTime/pseuds/TVTime
Summary: Theo sat at a folding table in his crappy apartment eating SpaghettiOs out of the can as he updated his LinkedIn profile for the third time that day. It had been eight weeks since he had graduated with a degree in parascientific studies and a minor in psychopathic manipulation. Sure, it looked great on a resume, but finding an open position in his field was proving difficult. He sighed. He probably should have just majored in business like his sister had recommended. But what did Tara know anyway? She had no heart, no passion. Theo couldn’t see himself stuck behind a desk his whole life. He wanted to get out there and get his hands dirty, build something truly unique for himself piece by piece – blood, sweat, tears, and agonized screams be damned!





	Theo Needs a Job

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written for the ‘Careers/Celebrity AU’ day of the ThiamHalfBirthday event.
> 
> I had a completely different story planned that would have been set in my on-going Theo, Liam, Corey, and Mason [holiday humor and smut series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/944151) involving Theo beginning his career as a camboy and Liam appearing with him for his ‘Memorial Day Blowout’ special event, but there was no way I was going to be able to finish it in time, so this is just a little flash fiction I threw together in its place. It’s just a very silly, rather bad story that obviously isn’t meant to be taken seriously and is light on plot and character development, but perhaps it’ll give someone a smile or chuckle. If you’re curious to check out the Thiam camboy story, I’ll likely post it next Memorial Day in the holiday series.

Theo sat at a folding table in his crappy apartment eating SpaghettiOs out of the can as he updated his LinkedIn profile for the third time that day. It had been eight weeks since he had graduated with a degree in parascientific studies and a minor in psychopathic manipulation. Sure, it looked great on a resume, but finding an open position in his field was proving difficult. He sighed. He probably should have just majored in business like his sister had recommended. But what did Tara know anyway? She had no heart, no passion. Theo couldn’t see himself stuck behind a desk his whole life. He wanted to get out there and get his hands dirty, build something truly unique for himself piece by piece – blood, sweat, tears, and agonized screams be damned!

After putting out a few more feelers on LinkedIn, he decided to scan for new listings in his area on Indeed. 

_Sketchy sales job_

_Sketchy landscaping job_

_Dog walker_

_Dog walker_

_Creepy sex thing pretending to be about dog walking_

It was useless. There were no– 

He froze as a listing at the bottom of page caught his eye.

_Wanted: Test Subject for Parascientific Experiment_

Intrigued, Theo clicked the listing. He had hoped to be performing his own parascientific experiments rather than being performed on, but without a post-grad degree he knew that was unlikely. Maybe an entry-level position as a test subject would get his foot in the door. He read the listing.

_Ambitious team of ancient doctors seeks test subject for supernatural body enhancements._

Theo frowned. Well, it probably wasn’t anymore dangerous than those muscle supplements being hawked all over Instagram.

The rest of the employer description was pretty standard stuff. Yada yada electromagnetic frequencies. Blah blah resurrect the perfect killing machine. Ramble ramble realize a new world order. 

Theo glanced at the requirements next.

_No experience necessary._  
_No references needed._

Nice!

_Must be physically fit._  
_Must be good looking._

Theo grinned. Wait till they got a look at him!

_Must be able to infiltrate tight-knit groups._  
_Must be willing to betray friends and family._  
_Should lack basic empathy._

Ooh, maybe Theo’s minor in psychopathic manipulation would come in handy after all!

_Should have a high pain tolerance._

No problem there. Theo’s ex-girlfriend had beaten the hell out of him, and he’d been completely chill about it.

_Should be comfortable in sewers._

Eh, Theo’s apartment was full of questionable odors and slimy textures. He’d be fine.

_Compensation:_  
_To be determined._

_Perks and Benefits:_  
_Free healthcare, dental, and vision_  
_Meals and lodging provided_  
_May keep all surgically attached anatomical upgrades_  
_Pursue your own agenda in your free time_

Free dental! That was too good to pass up.

_Call The Surgeon to set up an interview._

It was one of those exclusive 555 numbers that were always super legit and prestigious. Theo didn’t waste any time setting up his interview. The earliest The Surgeon could see him was in two days.

Theo arrived early on the afternoon of his big interview, but was dismayed to discover that the manhole he had been instructed to climb down was cordoned off with police tape. Police cruisers were parked nearby and stretchers were being hoisted into a coroner’s van. A guy about Theo’s age was milling around the perimeter of the scene.

“Excuse me, is that the Dread Doctor’s secret lair?” Theo asked the handsome young man.

“It was, but it’s been discovered,” he answered.

“Did they leave a forwarding address?” Theo asked.

His brow furrowed and he cocked an eyebrow at Theo. “I don’t think that’s how secret lairs work.”

“Crap. I had a job interview.”

“You know they were evil right?” 

“I know, but I was told there would be free dental.”

“They probably would have turned you into a monster.”

“Yeah, but...free dental.” Theo shook his head wistfully. “Do you know how hard it is to find a job with free dental?”

He shrugged. “I’m a werewolf. I don’t need dental care.”

Theo huffed and folded his arms. “Just rub it in why don’t you?”

“I’m Liam by the way.” He stuck out his hand and grinned. He had a cute smile.

“Theo.” Theo smiled back and gave the werewolf his most charming smirk. 

“You wanna meet my pack?” Liam motioned toward a group of people standing near the van sniffing the bodies. “I think you’d like my alpha, and we have a job opening for another hero. I’ll put in a good word for you.”

Theo paused and stroked his chin. “I really had my heart set on being a villain.”

Liam threw an arm around Theo’s shoulders and guided him toward the others. “I think you’re more of a hero. I can tell just by looking.”

“That’s what makes me such a good villain,” Theo answered with a wink.

“Well, come meet the others, and if you get the job you can decide later whether or not you want to betray us.”

“That seems fair,” Theo agreed with a nod. “We should go out sometime. Maybe pancakes and a trip to the zoo?”

Liam bounced up and down, his bright blue eyes shining. “Dude, I love you already!”

Theo squeezed the back of Liam’s neck. “Just wait till I save your life a couple times!”

**Author's Note:**

> I know, it was awful! Kudos to you instead, dear reader, if you got all the way through it! :-p


End file.
